2014 Recap ~ Part II

So, let me continue with 2014’s July through December.

July

July was the month of your birthday (it rained that day, but we still had a picnic by the river), of my office’s birthday (quite a party) and – of course – of Germany winning the soccer world cup (oh what an event!). It was also the month that we started regular pizza dinners with friends. And there was a beer fest by the river on a day that was too hot to actually do anything. I’m sure it was dangerous to even leave the house that day, let alone to drink beer. I remember that I felt very relaxed around that time. I was ready to enjoy summer. You were doing better and left the clinic. For the first time that year I felt relieved. But, unfortunately, being back home was too difficult for you and you had to return to the clinic. Not long after you returned to the clinic you started the ECT. It was hard to see you go through its side effects.

August

In August I had a successful internal job interview. My friend and I celebrated that with sparkling wine on our commute back from work. Also, in August said friend moved away, closer to our office. I still see her at work but we don’t share the fun commutes anymore. Also, plums were ripe early this year. I made plenty of your favorite plum pie and brought them to the clinic. Then, our friends and the two of us had a weekend trip planned. You couldn’t come with us but I still went along. It was a very nice trip and a charming city. But I missed you tremendously.

September

September is all about the wine fest. What a fun time! I went to our company field trip. And you and I started hanging out at the Irish pub on weekends to watch soccer and eat burgers.

October

October was the month that we wanted to go on vacation. Early in the year we were sure that you’d return home before October. You did not. We cancelled the trip. Instead, that month was full of business trips for me again. One trip brought me back to Paris. I took an afternoon off to visit the Grand Palais. It felt great. Even though I usually find business travels quite exhausting I came back refreshed from this trip. Also, your parents visited us. It was hard for you to discuss your depression with them.

November

November must have been pretty boring. I hardly have any memory of it. Going through my pictures I found some pictures of dinners together and walks through the park. You felt well, mostly, but that was interrupted by repeated and severe setbacks.

December

December was fun. Well mostly. First I got sick. Sick from the stress and the worries about you. Throughout the previous months I became increasingly worried. Will you ever be ok again? What if your doctors have to give you up? Tell you that you were a hopeless case? But then, just like so many times before, your caring doctors proved me wrong. December brought a new diagnosis for you and prospects of a new treatment, but this time not at your clinic but three hours away from here. Well, seems like next year will be interesting! Yet again. In December I also travelled to Washington, D.C. What a fun trip that was, including a great conference. Once I came back we started our holiday season. It was so relaxing, just what we needed after a year like this. We both agreed that this was the best Christmas ever.

That was 2014. 2015, I’m ready!

2014 Recap ~ Part I

In Germany we call the time between Christmas and the New Year “between the years”. There’s no better time then, to reflect on the year that is just ending. Not much happened this year. No vacation, big travels or party. But this year I learned so much. I learned to be patient and I’m still patiently waiting for you to feel well enough to return home. Once you felt better we took walks in the park and explored the surroundings. I learned to appreciate these little trips. We never had to go far to really enjoy and appreciate our time together.

I got inspired by Lisa’s post today and I’m following her in reflecting on each month of this year. And because I’m all into photos, I’m also adding those:

January

January was your first full month at the clinic. Not much happened, except that it was an unually warm winter and I could ride my bike to the clinic to visit you. Your mom came all the way to visit. Besides frequent hospital visits your mom and I had good talks and explored the city, including some costume stores to prepare myself for the upcoming carnival season.

February

February wasn’t much different. You were doing a little better and we were able to meet for coffees every once in a while. We did so for Valentine’s Day.

March

Your brother came to visit in March. I went to carnival with him and stupid me agreed on a conference presentation the day after. I’d advice against it now. I also took him on a trip to the vineyards outside the city. And of course he visited you often at the clinic. His visits were good for you. My parents also came to visit and we showed them around town. The picture is from the trip to the vineyards with your brother.

April

April included Easter and coloring Easter eggs with friends. You felt well enough to join me on a trip. I was so anxious to get out of the city. We visited the salt works of Bad Münster. I know that you were afraid of going but in the end you loved this trip. We hung out by the salt works for a while and then explored the cute little spa city and had coffee and cake.

May

Spring in general was very busy and included many business trips. May especially. It included a conference that was quite successful for me and repeated trips to Berlin. One trip was special. It led me to rural Brandenburg. I got to know nice people and being out there felt like a mini-vacation.

June

In June you felt increasingly better. You were even about to leave the clinic. We took a trip to Bacharach which was just wonderful. Also the soccer world cup started that month. We argued whose team was the better one. It was great to see USA sticking around for a little longer than I expected.

This was the first half of my 2014. During this first half I was still hopeful that you will feel better very soon. You do feel better with every month, but the steps you are taking are small. The second half of 2014 were increasingly stressful for me. But I was also able to get out more to distract myself. This recap will follow.

A very merry Christmas

Christmas this year was wonderful. It was relaxing, without high expectations. And truly, what can be expected after the year that lies behind us?

You had some struggles on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day morning. But you were able to handle them well and enjoy a restful and relaxing Christmas. We had many gifts to open, phone calls to the family to make, winter walks, and delicious dinners and wine.

The best of this Christmas for me was how thankful we both were to be able to spend it with each other. And the talks that we had, realizing how our relationship deepened during this last year, as hard as this year was for us. The best part for you was realizing how much better you felt compared to previous Chrismases. How you did not need to hide your sadness, anxiety, and confusion of going through an intense family holiday. I hope for more Christmases like this!

Merry Christmas to everyone!

On feeling better

It’s amazing what just one weekend can do!

During the last weeks I was extremely stressed out and increasingly nervous. It was a hard year. At the end of it I was completely exhausted. I couldn’t even finish with work (well, when is that ever done?) because my doctor sent me home early to rest. Once this month started all I wanted to do is finally fall. Fall to not feel the heavy burden that this year brought upon me. I wanted to fall and have someone else carry the load. Fall and feel a relieve. Fall and not care what happens next.

Then came the weekend. Last weekend. It started with a fun girls’ night out. Christmas market, hot wine, and good talks over an extremely tasty dinner. I came home late feeling exhausted and happy. On Saturday morning you came home, we ventured out right away to buy our Christmas tree and then spent a cosy afternoon at home decorating it. You felt happy and hopeful, for the first time in a long time. I felt calm and blessed for these happy moments and a restful weekend.

I’m happy and in Christmas spirit.

Unharmed

“Maurice Oulette tried to kill himself once but succeeded only in blowing off the right side of his jawbone. A doctor down in Boston was able to construct a prosthetic jaw, with imperfect results. The surgery left Maurice’s face with a melted appearance, and he went to great lengths to hide it.” (William Landay in ‘Mission Flats‘)

Stories like this make me shiver. There’s this woman at your hospital. She lost both of her legs, trying to kill herself by jumping in front of a train. Then I tell myself at least you got away unharmed. Physically unharmed. You are still the perfect man I married. And I truly hope you stay safe.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Graffiti

Sad girl

One year

Today marks one year that you decided you didn’t want to live anymore. That you were standing by the river banks in the middle of the night, wanting to jump. That a lady with a dog went by at 4 o’clock in the morning, saw you and convinced you not to do this. That this lady walked you home where you were safe again, where I found you crying in the bathroom. It is one year now that you made the decision to go into therapy. A year that changed a lot! Our relationship, your way of looking at life. All for the better! You still have a long way ahead of you. You’re still at that clinic, only interrupted by some nights or even weekends out. I cherish those moments and I’m deeply thankful that we can enjoy those.

Four Things

So, I have been quite absent. Well, this year was quite a struggle, yet again. Let me start to write here again with a somewhat light post. I found this list over at Stephany’s and Lisa’s:

Four names people call me other than my real name:

• Annie (I like Stephen King’s “Misery”)
• Natalie (part of an old joke that involved frequent prank calls)
• Gertrud (my aunt’s nickname for me when I was 4 years old, passers-by had pity on me)
• Schatz

Four jobs I’ve had:

• Cashier (at a supermarket and a gas station, the gas station was much more fun)
• Warehouse worker (for one summer)
• Research assistant (besides my studies, you see where this is leading to)
• Senior researcher (current job)

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

• Misery (see above)
• Dirty Dancing
• Napoleon Dynamite
• 1984

Four books I’d recommend:

• The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• The Emperor of All Maladies by Siddhartha Mukherjee
• Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Four places I’ve lived:

• Borlänge, Sweden
• Philadelphia, PA
• Bloomington, IN
• Mainz, Germany

Four places I’ve visited:

• New York, NY
• Miami, FL
• Paris, France
• Tunis, Tunisia

Four things I prefer not to eat:

• Paprika
• Liquorice
• Lamb
• Caper

Four of my favorite foods:

• Avocado sandwich
• Salmon
• Fried potatoes at Hafeneck
• Spinach

Four TV shows I watch:

• Breaking Bad
• Lost
• The Office
• Bob’s Burgers

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

• My upcoming business trip to Washington
• A new research project
• Vacation, finally!
• Long days of reading during said vacation

Four things I’m always saying:

• We’ll make it! (usually I’m the only one in the office that thinks so)
• Cool! (only the American husband tought me that it’s uncool to say this, but I can’t sopt it)
• I’m sorry… (then my colleague tells me I apologize too much)
• Seriously?!?