Wordless Wednesday

My birthday

My birthday last weekend was FUN! SO MUCH FUN! I shed some tears when my family called, about the unusualness of you not being able to celebrate with me. That was hard. But I could distract myself well with getting ready for my little weekend trip and with baking.

Later I visited you at the clinic. It was a sunny and warm day and we had some birthday cake in the clinic garden. I didn’t have too much time, late afternoon I left by train to visit my dear friend Steph. She already invited some more friends and we had champagne, coffee and more cake. Later that night we went to a small soul/pop concert.

We ended the night with cocktails before we headed back to my friend’s place.

The next day started late with a delicious pancake breakfast. It was a georgous day again and we went to the park, which is part of a botanical garden and a little zoo. We relaxed and whatched the storks and kids chasing the storks.

We had more plans for Sunday night, an event with young artists on stage. Unfortunately, we got there too late and the tickets were sold out. So, this night turned out to be another fun cocktail night. I really didn’t mind this alternative.

I really enjoyed visiting my friend and doing such fun things. It truly felt like a mini vacation. During the week that followed I was able to feel calm and relaxed, I already forgot how that feels.

I know you’ve had a rough weekend yourself. The memories of your suicide attempt haunted you. And I know how guilty you feel about it. I wish I could take that load from you. Or at least some of it. It feels very good then, when you tell me how glad you were I had such a fun weekend. It’s important to get away sometimes and I’m glad you know this, too.

Berlin

Next week I will visit Berlin. With so many business trips I have developed the routine of spending some time in the cities I visit. It’s not always easy to take some time off to explore but it’s really worth it and makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Especially to Berlin I have been too many times without having a chance to actually spend some time there. As a result I always feel disoriented when I’m there. I only have the printouts of bus schedules and google maps to get around but I never know which part of the city I’m in. This time will be different. I will have a whole afternoon to hang out in the capital. I want to see this:

http://www.asisi.de/en/panoramas/the-wall/bildergalerie.html

And this:

http://west.berlin/exhibition

Last week I was in Frankfurt. This is really just next door, but still I managed to get to know a very cute part of the city that I haven’t been to before. A great motivation to visit Frankfurt more often.

My next big trip will bring me to Philadelphia and Princeton. Oh, olde Philly. Has it really been already ten years that I called you home? This is a trip I’m really looking forward to!

Ice cream!

The nicest thing happened today! My friend, who moved away last year, called me. She was in town and wanted to have ice cream with me. What a great idea! It was warm and sunny today and all the cafés, squares, and playgrounds were crowded with people in shirts and sunglasses. It was nice to get out. For a week now the only person I met was the husband when I visited the clinic. I really didn’t feel like seeing anyone else.

She also invited me to visit her next weekend. That’s my birthday and I’m happy to not be alone that day. She is the best!

Bike ride

Last weekend I didn’t think I could do this. But I did and went for a bike ride yesterday.

I had bought this hiking guide a few months ago. And this week, our first week in over year that we’d have off together, we wanted to try one of the suggested trails. We really looked forward to this week. When I had to bring you back to the clinic last Friday, before our week off had even begun, I was in a big hole. I slept during the days and cried at night, barely able to leave the house to get some groceries.

I’m getting better each day and I managed to get my bike ready yesterday, pick one of the hiking trails and hit the road. I took the local train to a small and very cute village. I see its church from the train I take to work each morning. It was nice to explore the area that I usually just speed though.

I biked through the village and found the trail through the vineyards. It was a beautiful spring day, but the vine was still bare and it’s hard to imagine that in a few weeks all those hills will be bright green.

I passed two more villages and then made my way down to the Rhine river. I never got there, there was some heavy construction going on. But I passed a bird protection area and had to stop to just enjoy this beautiful landscape.

Taking the local train to get outside the city was a great choice. It takes too long to get out of the city by bike. This time I really enjoyed that I could go for hours without seeing any freeway, major road, or traffic light. I will definitely come back and try more trails. And I look forward to going on a hike with you as soon as you feel better.

Wordless Wednesday

Today

After being in shock for two days we both finally felt better. I visited you and we talked, talked, talked. It was good to see you! We remembered happy days. Very happy days, like a vacation trip two years ago. When you say you want to be that happy again, I know you can do it. You want to keep fighting!

You also had a chance to see a doctor today. Apparently, your suicidal thoughts didn’t go from 0 to 100 within minutes. Your worries about adjusting to life outside the clinic may have piled up over the last weeks and resulted in a suicide attempt as soon as something must have triggered it. This is good news. In a way. This means you can work on identifying the warning signs and react to them. Just another step towards recovery. It’s not a small step. But it can be done.

On suicide, part I

You learn quite some crazy stuff when you have a depressive husband. Stuff that you never even wanted to learn. For example, the three phases of suicidal tendencies: (1) consideration, (2) assessing, and (3) the decision to actually do it.

This week I learned that the husband can go straight to phase 3, the decision. With no time to assess or use any of the other strategies he learned during therapy to prevent his suicide. In the last minute he snapped out and called for help. This is why he is back at that clinic. After just being released. After months of hard work to learn how to deal with his depression and the constant voice in his head telling him he and his life are worthless.

I was traveling when it happened. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I was there. The morning he told me about the attempt, he also told me that he almost did it again while I was still sleeping in the other room. We cried, we talked a lot about it, and we called the clinic and told them he needs to come back. Then we had breakfast. We took extra long time for it, talked about the past week, laughed together. Some normality, before life in the clinic and frequent hospital visits started again.

4U9525

A little more than a week ago grief came to this country. A German airline lost an aircraft, part of its crew and 144 of its passengers. I can’t remember any severe accident that involved a German airline. All tragic air traffic accidents in the past seemed far away. This one feels close. An airplane coming from Spain, where so many Germans spend their holidays year by year. Sixteen families lost their teenage kids, high school students coming back from a student exchange. Many more lost parents, sisters, brothers, relatives and friends.

Two days later this tragedy reached yet another level. The French police announced that it was caused by the co-pilot, who deliberately crashed the airplane into the French Alps. All media attention then turned to the co-pilot. His appartment building and his parent’s home were shown in the news. Everyone discussed about how much his employer knew and should have known about his depression.

And my thoughts turned to the family of this very desperate co-pilot. I can only imagine how it must feel to loose someone you love through suicide. I cannot imagine how it must feel if the suicide took so many more people with him. And how terrible must it be to be confronted with all the media attention, including pictures, private details as well as false information and speculations about his health status and previous treatments.

And it seems that all the effort being done to promote an understanding of depression needs to start over again. Now, patients suffering from depression are considered potential mass murderers. Despite all knowledgable experts arguing against it. And despite not knowing (yet) what condition the co-pilot was in. It’s only the lurid headlines that count.