The husband

So, the husband has depression. I knew this for almost as long as I know him. And it was hard to believe for the first four years of our relationship. He is such a sunshine. He finds new friends immediatly, wherever he goes. And he cracks jokes at impossible times. Oh, he really does! An otherwise boring dinner can be turned into non-stoppable laughter when the husband is around. I always wonder: How can one person alone think of all that silliness? Let alone a person that is permanently sad deep inside? I guess this made it hard to believe. Adding to this was his ability, despite telling me that he is depressive, to hide it very well.

I didn’t know, or didn’t want to know, that he was suffering from a chronic depression. The diagnosis of a chronic depression is quite new. But it has been inside of him for most of his life. All those happy moments! And he was suffering from chronic depression. Always sad deep inside, with only some light moments interrupting those heavy feelings. How could I not see it, even though he told me so?

Then sometimes, just like right now, this chronic depression is topped with a severe depression. And this is when his depression actually becomes noticable for me and for others. It’s a depression so severe that he doesn’t want to live anymore. That makes him so hopeless that not even those happy moments we shared or the people that love him could keep him alive. Nothing gets through, nothing reaches him. It is as The Elephant in the Room describes it:

“Telling people I felt suicidal was an incredibly cumbersome matter. Whilst I felt nothing they felt a lot, they cried, yelled and hit me to express that.” (see post here)

Except, he never told anyone. I found out much later what have been actual suicide attempts. And then I was the one that cried, yelled. How can he not see how happy he makes me, how complete, how important he is to me? How can all this not matter?

And yet, my depressive husband taught me to enjoy life, seize every moment, and enjoy it to the fullest. After each great day we spent together he used to asked me what I liked best, making me remember all those happy moments we shared. I want to go back to have these happy moments. I want both of us to share happy moments again. And I think we are on a very good way, already.