Weekend Recap

This weekend was both fun and hard. Again. It’s as if, after my 3 weeks of vacation, I have to relearn how to relax after a full week of work. And very much like last weekend, Saturday was a struggle and Sunday I finally managed to relax a little bit.

That the neighbors woke up me up with loud techno music before 8 am on Saturday morning didn’t really help me relax. Normally, I love to sleep long and then read in bed and just have a really slow morning. I had to leave the bed, however, rather abruptly once it started vibrating from the beats downstairs. (Needless to say I complained to them later that day.) After breakfast I cleaned the house and waited for the husband to come home. We spent the afternoon together but I was feeling quite agitated. Only when we left for a walk and dinner at a very nice restaurant by the river my mood improved a lot.

On Sunday morning the husband and I went for a run. It was the very first time that we ran together and it was fun! It was cold but the sun was shining and the view of the river was just wonderful! After breakfast we just spent the rest of the day reading. It felt good!

But I still had a hard time to relax. And I had stomach cramps that wouldn’t go away. Then, tonight, we may have found the reason for that. It’s quite obvious, if you think about it: We know the husband will leave for his therapy in another city soon. We just don’t know when. It might be this uncertainty that leaves me so nervous. Although I don’t like the thought of him being gone, it will be good to start this new step in his therapy, to have some more certainty about what awaits him there and to be another step closer to being together again.

On how I feel

A few weeks ago, my colleague asked me whether I plan to end my marriage, now that the husband has been at the hospital for so long. Although that thought never crossed my mind, I can’t really blame her for that. She was born into a very poor family in a third-world country, a completely different world compared to mine. I assume, her life was driven by completely different options and choices to make than mine was. My choice to marry the husband was a choice completely made out of love, not considering it as an investment at all.

Yet, of course, I imagined our marriage to be different. I imagined it to be happy and easy-going. But for about a year, there are other feelings that dominate my life. I want to write about it here as I hope this can be a resource for other spouses that may be in a similar position.

This is how the husband’s depression makes me feel quite sometimes:

Sad

Of course, a lot of times I feel sad that the husband is sad. I want him to be as happy as everyone else and it makes me sad that so many times he cannot feel that way.

Hopeless

It doesn’t happen often. I’m a very optimistic person. But sometimes I do feel hopeless, when being deeply disappointed by yet another setback. Most times, these feelings never last long. Fortunately, he usually recovers within a week and his assurance that his moods generally show an upward trend brings me relief.

Scared

Especially after learning about the husband’s suicidal tendencies I was completely scared. Whenever he was at home on weekends, I watched him all the time. We live very high. And close to the river. When you hear that a person you love thinks about suicide, you cannot stop your mind from going crazy. You cannot! I was worried when he stayed in the other room for too long. I woke up on Sundays in shock from not hearing him breathe. We talked about it a lot. And luckily, because we are very open about it, we trust each other with it. He knows he can tell me how he feels, even (or especially) when he feels suicidal. I can trust him that he will do so and this stops me from worrying about it constantly.

Angry

I’m angry about all measures that have failed in the past to help the husband much sooner. How much different his life would be today, had his depression been diagnosed sooner. Much, much sooner. I’m also angry about the people that made him feel this way and caused so much misery in him and that don’t seem to even assume to have any part in this now.

Betrayed

I feel betrayed at times for not being able to feel happy these days and for being so uncertain about how our future will look like. And for, instead of making plans to have a family of our own, having to worry about the husband, especially that he might end up being handicapped due to his mental condition.

Stressed, nervous, and weak

More and more, when the stress is too much, I feel nervous and weak. My knees get shaky and I feel that I really should stay home and rest. Then it is hard to set one food in front of the other. Then I have to take deep breaths, take smaller steps and take time to recover. This is often hard, especially in an office that has a very fast pace.

Optimistic

As I said, I’m a very optimistic person. I think this trait helped me cope during the last 12 months. I mostly feel optimistic about what is to come. But I realize that my horizon of optimism (if that even exists, I don’t know) shrinks. At first I was optimistic about getting back to our regular life again. Now, I’m optimistic about the next step of the husband’s therapy, not thinking too much about its outcome yet. Sometimes the only thing I can be optimistic about is the next weekend, not being able to think of anything beyond that.

 

I understand that many spouses also feel hurt by the way the depressive patient treats them. I hear such stories frequently in support groups and counseling sessions that the hospital offers for relatives of depressive patients. Luckily, the husband never treated me in any bad way. Unfortunately, though, mistreating people that are closest to the patient is a very common symptom of depression.

If you are interested in reading more about the experience of spouses of depressive patients, here is a link to a very good post by Olive who talks about her dealing with her depressive husband: http://timandolive.com/what-its-like-to-live-with-a-depressed-husband/

If you want to read about the other side, too, this is her husband’s, Tim’s, take on it: http://timandolive.com/befriending-my-depression/

Mercy

“Mercy, will we overcome this
Oh, one by one, could we turn it around
Maybe carry on just a little bit longer
And I’ll try to give you what you need”

~ Mercy by the Dave Matthews Band

One month is short and a year is not long…

“One month is short and a year is not long…”

This is what my mum’s friend told her about psychotherapy. Today marks one year and one month of your hospital stay and therapy. It’s seven years, seven months and seven days (funny!) since we first kissed. One year, nine months and nine days since we married. Yet, it’s nothing compared to what I hope life still has in store for us.

TGIF

My first workweek of the year is over. It was actually only half a week. Epiphany is a holiday where I work.

I ended my first workday on Wednesday with friends at our favorite bar. We had a tasty dinner, together with the husband, and it was good to catch up with everyone.

Thursday night was quiet. Nicely quiet. I called the husband at the clinic, took a bubble bath, watched some documentaries and went to bed super early. I felt very rested when I woke up this morning.

Today, I treated myself for a, workwise, very good start into the year with take-out Chinese food and a glass of wine. You cannot treat yourself often enough, right?

What leaves me a bit worried after week 1 is that I still feel quite stressed out. One would think that three and a half weeks off and a total of four weeks away from the office left me recharged and refreshed. I ended last year feeling tired, agitated, and nervous. I even had to stay at home for a week in the beginning of December. The last year was just too much, I guess. During the long vacation I felt better very quickly. However, coming closer to the first day at work made me feel nervous again. It’s not that I don’t like my job. I actually love it! LOVE IT! If you asked me what I do, I’d fill three pages with it. About a fascinating and complex study, about the topics that we research, what struggles we face and how rewarding it is when we overcome these struggles, about great people I frequently get to meet and how fruitful the discussions are that I have with them.

What I absolutely dislike, however, is its pace. This pace makes it hard to stick to one task at a time. Even thinking about it makes my stomach turn. Before the husband got sick I was able to manage it. But I knew I was on the edge. Once he got sick it became harder and harder for me to cope. Especially with all those business trips.

And then there was Paris…

Something that makes all these problems seem small. It was only tonight when I realized the extent of the terror! I heard about the attacks of course on the radio in the mornings and I read headlines in the newspaper. I didn’t get around to really read more than the headlines, though. Today there where flags at half-mast and news specials about the happenings of January 7th and today. My heart goes out to the families of the victims. And I pray that freedom of speech stays unharmed.

The husband

So, the husband has depression. I knew this for almost as long as I know him. And it was hard to believe for the first four years of our relationship. He is such a sunshine. He finds new friends immediatly, wherever he goes. And he cracks jokes at impossible times. Oh, he really does! An otherwise boring dinner can be turned into non-stoppable laughter when the husband is around. I always wonder: How can one person alone think of all that silliness? Let alone a person that is permanently sad deep inside? I guess this made it hard to believe. Adding to this was his ability, despite telling me that he is depressive, to hide it very well.

I didn’t know, or didn’t want to know, that he was suffering from a chronic depression. The diagnosis of a chronic depression is quite new. But it has been inside of him for most of his life. All those happy moments! And he was suffering from chronic depression. Always sad deep inside, with only some light moments interrupting those heavy feelings. How could I not see it, even though he told me so?

Then sometimes, just like right now, this chronic depression is topped with a severe depression. And this is when his depression actually becomes noticable for me and for others. It’s a depression so severe that he doesn’t want to live anymore. That makes him so hopeless that not even those happy moments we shared or the people that love him could keep him alive. Nothing gets through, nothing reaches him. It is as The Elephant in the Room describes it:

“Telling people I felt suicidal was an incredibly cumbersome matter. Whilst I felt nothing they felt a lot, they cried, yelled and hit me to express that.” (see post here)

Except, he never told anyone. I found out much later what have been actual suicide attempts. And then I was the one that cried, yelled. How can he not see how happy he makes me, how complete, how important he is to me? How can all this not matter?

And yet, my depressive husband taught me to enjoy life, seize every moment, and enjoy it to the fullest. After each great day we spent together he used to asked me what I liked best, making me remember all those happy moments we shared. I want to go back to have these happy moments. I want both of us to share happy moments again. And I think we are on a very good way, already.

On what’s important in 2015

Many of us have certain goals for a new year. In previous years I never really thought much about it. The usual “do more sports”, “eat healthier”, that was it.

Last year, though, I learned a lot about myself. What it means to listen to myself and what I need most. From the times of greatest stress (that might not have ended yet) I come out more attentive to what is actually good for me. I will cherish this knowledge and try to incorporate it into my daily life even more in 2015.

Specifically, I want to

• Take better care of myself (This includes keeping up with regular medical checkups. Something I really neglected lately, which I’m not proud of. But it also includes knowing when I need a break from work and actually taking those breaks.)
• Keep running (Running is my number one stress release. I had to take a long break last year due to a knee injury and I could feel how this break was not good for me.)
• Keep in touch with friends that I feel are good for me (And minimize contact with people that are not, including facebook’s illusory world.)
• Reach out and ask for help (This is difficult for me. I’m a private person and don’t like to talk about my problems. Last year made it necessary to do so and I was overwhelmed by the sympathies, thoughtful words, encouragement, and advice I got back.)
• Be less busy (While I do have great friends and enjoy their company, I need to be less of a social butterfly and take more time for myself.)
• Bring more structure into daily life (At work I am a very structured person. At home not quite as much. I need to create a better habit of going to bed early and a balanced schedule for my weekends that includes both relaxing and being productive.)
• Clean up and complete tasks immediately (I never realized how uncompleted tasks or even just things lying around in the appartment occupy my mind. Putting things away helps me to focus, although it is hard sometimes when I’m just tired from work.)
• Read more (And switch the TV off. I love to read but I don’t do it often enough. I read a lot at work, so very often I rather do other things when I’m at home. Lately, though, I realized how much it can calm me down when I’m stressed.)
• Continue practicing Tai Chi (I started doing Tai Chi regularly about two years ago and I can feel how it improved  my health and reduced stress. To my surprise my allergies got much better so that I no longer need cortisone treatments during the winter months.)
• Look into acupuncture for further allergy relief.

Happy New Year, my dear readers! Do you have any goals for the new year? Have a wonderful 2015 and may all your wishes for this year come true!