Something has changed

I’m feeling better since the weekend. Nowadays, when I leave the office in the evening, I don’t feel like falling into this deep hole that I fell into day after day. Of course, I do cry here and there. And I don’t feel so bad about that. It’s a healthy thing to do. But my outlook is better now.

It changed after I visited a therapist on Friday night. Friday was a bad day for me. I cried ALL THE TIME. That was the case also when I was sitting in front of the therapist. But he is good! I left and felt relieved and felt that something can be done. I will definitely go back in two weeks. On my way home, when crossing the river, I decided to get off the tram and sit by the river for a while. The weather was wonderful and people just sat there, drank wine and enjoyed the sunset behind the city’s magnificent cathedral.

~ Evening sun, skyline, and the mighty Rhine river ~

It helps to be in this beatiful city. The people here love their city and the city wants to be loved. The picture above is proof for it. And not only that. Everyone I have met here so far is just so friendly and warmhearted. I really enjoy wandering through the city and talking to random people in the stores.

Then Saturday was just a great day for me and I came home exhausted and happy. That continued on Sunday. I had a very slow morning and then took my bike on a tour to a beautiful park and arboretum. I found a place to quietly read the weekend newspaper and then walked through the park a little bit. I had to fight back some tears. We both loved botanical gardens and rhododendrons which they had plenty of. But still, it was a wonderful day that I truly enjoyed!

TGIF

I’m seeing this on quite some blogs that I read and I thought this would be a very nice habit to start.

HIGH – Where do I start? There were so many highs this week. On Monday morning I got some lab results back from my doctor, saying I was totally healthy. This is always good to hear but I was especially relieved as the doctor and I suspected a severe, chronic disease. On Tuesday I went to Brussels to attend a small conference where I met some of my favorite colleagues again. I only left Brussels the next afternoon and went on a free city tour of Brussels on Wednesday morning. Finally, this morning I was able to attend another of the husband’s therapy sessions. Those always make me feel good. Especially the way his therapist appreciates my role in this process.

LOW – The low of the week was being in the office yesterday. After being gone for two days and with being gone all of next week, I just didn’t have enough time to finish everything I wanted to get done. So that day was just really, really hectic.

BOOK – The Dark Road by Ma Jian. I’m half way through and think it’s a great book about a women’s struggle with China’s one-child policy.

WORKOUTS – This week was very busy but I managed to squeeze in a short bike round on Sunday morning and a short run tonight.

MONEY – The best money I spent this week was on a chubby, clumsy looking pinguin figure (that is actually a pencil sharpener) for the husband. He loved it.

WEEKEND PLANS – Walking through vineyards, breakfast at a super cute new little restaurant that we heard good things about, lazy mornings, reading, and packing for the next trip.

How was your week? I hope you all had a great week as well.

Bright like a diamond

Today I had the chance to meet your therapist and take part in your therapy. It was such a great meeting! I learned so much!

After so many treatments didn’t work out for you, they assigned you to a therapist who doesn’t follow the book. He looked at what lies underneath your depression. And today he explained to me (and us) how his approach works and how I can support you.

We also addressed some issues between us. Such as problems talking about feelings.

Then you worked on a time schedule for your next steps. You might be coming home soon. It will be scary and you will need a lot of support. But it is an important step for you. You need to take this step to move on and out of the clinic.

I had all kinds of worries and questions for your therapist that were related to my worries. They were all blown away as soon as we started talking. And tonight I feel a big relief. We haven’t reached the finish line yet, but we are close.

In the end your therapist and his student (who also joined the session) did something really neat. They let us listen to their de-briefing in which they talked about us as a couple. I’m not sure how much of it was for therapeutic reasons, but they mentioned how close we were as a couple, how gentle. At one point the therapist called me “a diamond“. It felt so good to hear that, after spending the last days and weeks contemplating about how I feel so alone in supporting you with our families being so far away. And he wondered how we’d be doing once your depression has passed. How much energy we’ll have at our hands, energy that right now is going into fighting your depression. And this thought just made me so very hopeful! It made me see light at the end of the tunnel. FINALLY! I even forgot how that feels!

So, today I will spend the rest of the evening thinking of our future together. A bright future. I will be hopeful for the first time in a very long while. And my smile will just be bright, like a diamond. Maybe even brighter ☺

On suicide, part I

You learn quite some crazy stuff when you have a depressive husband. Stuff that you never even wanted to learn. For example, the three phases of suicidal tendencies: (1) consideration, (2) assessing, and (3) the decision to actually do it.

This week I learned that the husband can go straight to phase 3, the decision. With no time to assess or use any of the other strategies he learned during therapy to prevent his suicide. In the last minute he snapped out and called for help. This is why he is back at that clinic. After just being released. After months of hard work to learn how to deal with his depression and the constant voice in his head telling him he and his life are worthless.

I was traveling when it happened. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I was there. The morning he told me about the attempt, he also told me that he almost did it again while I was still sleeping in the other room. We cried, we talked a lot about it, and we called the clinic and told them he needs to come back. Then we had breakfast. We took extra long time for it, talked about the past week, laughed together. Some normality, before life in the clinic and frequent hospital visits started again.

Weekend Recap

This weekend was both fun and hard. Again. It’s as if, after my 3 weeks of vacation, I have to relearn how to relax after a full week of work. And very much like last weekend, Saturday was a struggle and Sunday I finally managed to relax a little bit.

That the neighbors woke up me up with loud techno music before 8 am on Saturday morning didn’t really help me relax. Normally, I love to sleep long and then read in bed and just have a really slow morning. I had to leave the bed, however, rather abruptly once it started vibrating from the beats downstairs. (Needless to say I complained to them later that day.) After breakfast I cleaned the house and waited for the husband to come home. We spent the afternoon together but I was feeling quite agitated. Only when we left for a walk and dinner at a very nice restaurant by the river my mood improved a lot.

On Sunday morning the husband and I went for a run. It was the very first time that we ran together and it was fun! It was cold but the sun was shining and the view of the river was just wonderful! After breakfast we just spent the rest of the day reading. It felt good!

But I still had a hard time to relax. And I had stomach cramps that wouldn’t go away. Then, tonight, we may have found the reason for that. It’s quite obvious, if you think about it: We know the husband will leave for his therapy in another city soon. We just don’t know when. It might be this uncertainty that leaves me so nervous. Although I don’t like the thought of him being gone, it will be good to start this new step in his therapy, to have some more certainty about what awaits him there and to be another step closer to being together again.

One month is short and a year is not long…

“One month is short and a year is not long…”

This is what my mum’s friend told her about psychotherapy. Today marks one year and one month of your hospital stay and therapy. It’s seven years, seven months and seven days (funny!) since we first kissed. One year, nine months and nine days since we married. Yet, it’s nothing compared to what I hope life still has in store for us.

One year

Today marks one year that you decided you didn’t want to live anymore. That you were standing by the river banks in the middle of the night, wanting to jump. That a lady with a dog went by at 4 o’clock in the morning, saw you and convinced you not to do this. That this lady walked you home where you were safe again, where I found you crying in the bathroom. It is one year now that you made the decision to go into therapy. A year that changed a lot! Our relationship, your way of looking at life. All for the better! You still have a long way ahead of you. You’re still at that clinic, only interrupted by some nights or even weekends out. I cherish those moments and I’m deeply thankful that we can enjoy those.