Something has changed

I’m feeling better since the weekend. Nowadays, when I leave the office in the evening, I don’t feel like falling into this deep hole that I fell into day after day. Of course, I do cry here and there. And I don’t feel so bad about that. It’s a healthy thing to do. But my outlook is better now.

It changed after I visited a therapist on Friday night. Friday was a bad day for me. I cried ALL THE TIME. That was the case also when I was sitting in front of the therapist. But he is good! I left and felt relieved and felt that something can be done. I will definitely go back in two weeks. On my way home, when crossing the river, I decided to get off the tram and sit by the river for a while. The weather was wonderful and people just sat there, drank wine and enjoyed the sunset behind the city’s magnificent cathedral.

~ Evening sun, skyline, and the mighty Rhine river ~

It helps to be in this beatiful city. The people here love their city and the city wants to be loved. The picture above is proof for it. And not only that. Everyone I have met here so far is just so friendly and warmhearted. I really enjoy wandering through the city and talking to random people in the stores.

Then Saturday was just a great day for me and I came home exhausted and happy. That continued on Sunday. I had a very slow morning and then took my bike on a tour to a beautiful park and arboretum. I found a place to quietly read the weekend newspaper and then walked through the park a little bit. I had to fight back some tears. We both loved botanical gardens and rhododendrons which they had plenty of. But still, it was a wonderful day that I truly enjoyed!

TGIF

This week was very special. I was on a week long and very productive business trip. I feel exhausted now but it sure was a success!

HIGH – Getting to know and spending this week with wonderful people in a relaxed atmosphere, with lots of time to think about and discuss new research ideas. On top of that came spending this week in a picturesque city and enjoying beautiful sunny fall weather.

LOW – My low of the week was being away from the husband. I still get nervous whenever I’m away. We talked every day on the phone. But one day I couldn’t reach him right away and I was worried sick.

BOOK – Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. It’s a humorous approach to depression. Sadly, I’m not very far into the book yet. I just don’t read much when I travel.

WORKOUTS – Not much because of my busy schedule. I went on a quick bike trip on Sunday and plan to go on a long bike ride tomorrow.

MONEY – I didn’t spend much money at all this week. The best money I spent was probably on very tasty pizza and good wine last night during good conversations.

WEEKEND PLANS – A bike ride, coffee and cake with a friend, and we’ll see from there.

How was your week?

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

My birthday

My birthday last weekend was FUN! SO MUCH FUN! I shed some tears when my family called, about the unusualness of you not being able to celebrate with me. That was hard. But I could distract myself well with getting ready for my little weekend trip and with baking.

Later I visited you at the clinic. It was a sunny and warm day and we had some birthday cake in the clinic garden. I didn’t have too much time, late afternoon I left by train to visit my dear friend Steph. She already invited some more friends and we had champagne, coffee and more cake. Later that night we went to a small soul/pop concert.

We ended the night with cocktails before we headed back to my friend’s place.

The next day started late with a delicious pancake breakfast. It was a georgous day again and we went to the park, which is part of a botanical garden and a little zoo. We relaxed and whatched the storks and kids chasing the storks.

We had more plans for Sunday night, an event with young artists on stage. Unfortunately, we got there too late and the tickets were sold out. So, this night turned out to be another fun cocktail night. I really didn’t mind this alternative.

I really enjoyed visiting my friend and doing such fun things. It truly felt like a mini vacation. During the week that followed I was able to feel calm and relaxed, I already forgot how that feels.

I know you’ve had a rough weekend yourself. The memories of your suicide attempt haunted you. And I know how guilty you feel about it. I wish I could take that load from you. Or at least some of it. It feels very good then, when you tell me how glad you were I had such a fun weekend. It’s important to get away sometimes and I’m glad you know this, too.

Wordless Wednesday

2014 Recap ~ Part II

So, let me continue with 2014’s July through December.

July

July was the month of your birthday (it rained that day, but we still had a picnic by the river), of my office’s birthday (quite a party) and – of course – of Germany winning the soccer world cup (oh what an event!). It was also the month that we started regular pizza dinners with friends. And there was a beer fest by the river on a day that was too hot to actually do anything. I’m sure it was dangerous to even leave the house that day, let alone to drink beer. I remember that I felt very relaxed around that time. I was ready to enjoy summer. You were doing better and left the clinic. For the first time that year I felt relieved. But, unfortunately, being back home was too difficult for you and you had to return to the clinic. Not long after you returned to the clinic you started the ECT. It was hard to see you go through its side effects.

August

In August I had a successful internal job interview. My friend and I celebrated that with sparkling wine on our commute back from work. Also, in August said friend moved away, closer to our office. I still see her at work but we don’t share the fun commutes anymore. Also, plums were ripe early this year. I made plenty of your favorite plum pie and brought them to the clinic. Then, our friends and the two of us had a weekend trip planned. You couldn’t come with us but I still went along. It was a very nice trip and a charming city. But I missed you tremendously.

September

September is all about the wine fest. What a fun time! I went to our company field trip. And you and I started hanging out at the Irish pub on weekends to watch soccer and eat burgers.

October

October was the month that we wanted to go on vacation. Early in the year we were sure that you’d return home before October. You did not. We cancelled the trip. Instead, that month was full of business trips for me again. One trip brought me back to Paris. I took an afternoon off to visit the Grand Palais. It felt great. Even though I usually find business travels quite exhausting I came back refreshed from this trip. Also, your parents visited us. It was hard for you to discuss your depression with them.

November

November must have been pretty boring. I hardly have any memory of it. Going through my pictures I found some pictures of dinners together and walks through the park. You felt well, mostly, but that was interrupted by repeated and severe setbacks.

December

December was fun. Well mostly. First I got sick. Sick from the stress and the worries about you. Throughout the previous months I became increasingly worried. Will you ever be ok again? What if your doctors have to give you up? Tell you that you were a hopeless case? But then, just like so many times before, your caring doctors proved me wrong. December brought a new diagnosis for you and prospects of a new treatment, but this time not at your clinic but three hours away from here. Well, seems like next year will be interesting! Yet again. In December I also travelled to Washington, D.C. What a fun trip that was, including a great conference. Once I came back we started our holiday season. It was so relaxing, just what we needed after a year like this. We both agreed that this was the best Christmas ever.

That was 2014. 2015, I’m ready!

2014 Recap ~ Part I

In Germany we call the time between Christmas and the New Year “between the years”. There’s no better time then, to reflect on the year that is just ending. Not much happened this year. No vacation, big travels or party. But this year I learned so much. I learned to be patient and I’m still patiently waiting for you to feel well enough to return home. Once you felt better we took walks in the park and explored the surroundings. I learned to appreciate these little trips. We never had to go far to really enjoy and appreciate our time together.

I got inspired by Lisa’s post today and I’m following her in reflecting on each month of this year. And because I’m all into photos, I’m also adding those:

January

January was your first full month at the clinic. Not much happened, except that it was an unually warm winter and I could ride my bike to the clinic to visit you. Your mom came all the way to visit. Besides frequent hospital visits your mom and I had good talks and explored the city, including some costume stores to prepare myself for the upcoming carnival season.

February

February wasn’t much different. You were doing a little better and we were able to meet for coffees every once in a while. We did so for Valentine’s Day.

March

Your brother came to visit in March. I went to carnival with him and stupid me agreed on a conference presentation the day after. I’d advice against it now. I also took him on a trip to the vineyards outside the city. And of course he visited you often at the clinic. His visits were good for you. My parents also came to visit and we showed them around town. The picture is from the trip to the vineyards with your brother.

April

April included Easter and coloring Easter eggs with friends. You felt well enough to join me on a trip. I was so anxious to get out of the city. We visited the salt works of Bad Münster. I know that you were afraid of going but in the end you loved this trip. We hung out by the salt works for a while and then explored the cute little spa city and had coffee and cake.

May

Spring in general was very busy and included many business trips. May especially. It included a conference that was quite successful for me and repeated trips to Berlin. One trip was special. It led me to rural Brandenburg. I got to know nice people and being out there felt like a mini-vacation.

June

In June you felt increasingly better. You were even about to leave the clinic. We took a trip to Bacharach which was just wonderful. Also the soccer world cup started that month. We argued whose team was the better one. It was great to see USA sticking around for a little longer than I expected.

This was the first half of my 2014. During this first half I was still hopeful that you will feel better very soon. You do feel better with every month, but the steps you are taking are small. The second half of 2014 were increasingly stressful for me. But I was also able to get out more to distract myself. This recap will follow.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday