Something has changed

I’m feeling better since the weekend. Nowadays, when I leave the office in the evening, I don’t feel like falling into this deep hole that I fell into day after day. Of course, I do cry here and there. And I don’t feel so bad about that. It’s a healthy thing to do. But my outlook is better now.

It changed after I visited a therapist on Friday night. Friday was a bad day for me. I cried ALL THE TIME. That was the case also when I was sitting in front of the therapist. But he is good! I left and felt relieved and felt that something can be done. I will definitely go back in two weeks. On my way home, when crossing the river, I decided to get off the tram and sit by the river for a while. The weather was wonderful and people just sat there, drank wine and enjoyed the sunset behind the city’s magnificent cathedral.

~ Evening sun, skyline, and the mighty Rhine river ~

It helps to be in this beatiful city. The people here love their city and the city wants to be loved. The picture above is proof for it. And not only that. Everyone I have met here so far is just so friendly and warmhearted. I really enjoy wandering through the city and talking to random people in the stores.

Then Saturday was just a great day for me and I came home exhausted and happy. That continued on Sunday. I had a very slow morning and then took my bike on a tour to a beautiful park and arboretum. I found a place to quietly read the weekend newspaper and then walked through the park a little bit. I had to fight back some tears. We both loved botanical gardens and rhododendrons which they had plenty of. But still, it was a wonderful day that I truly enjoyed!

TGIF

This week was very special. I was on a week long and very productive business trip. I feel exhausted now but it sure was a success!

HIGH – Getting to know and spending this week with wonderful people in a relaxed atmosphere, with lots of time to think about and discuss new research ideas. On top of that came spending this week in a picturesque city and enjoying beautiful sunny fall weather.

LOW – My low of the week was being away from the husband. I still get nervous whenever I’m away. We talked every day on the phone. But one day I couldn’t reach him right away and I was worried sick.

BOOK – Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. It’s a humorous approach to depression. Sadly, I’m not very far into the book yet. I just don’t read much when I travel.

WORKOUTS – Not much because of my busy schedule. I went on a quick bike trip on Sunday and plan to go on a long bike ride tomorrow.

MONEY – I didn’t spend much money at all this week. The best money I spent was probably on very tasty pizza and good wine last night during good conversations.

WEEKEND PLANS – A bike ride, coffee and cake with a friend, and we’ll see from there.

How was your week?

Fall is ok!

Today was wonderful. We took the city bus to the vineyards, walked around a little bit and then went to a restaurant with a beautiful view to drink Federweißer and eat Zwiebelkuchen.

The trip on the bus was a bit difficult for you. It was hot, shaky, and crowded. But after walking a few steps through the vineyard and enjoying the fresh air and the view over the city and the Rhine river you felt better.

We really enjoyed this little trip. The fresh air, the young wine and good food. Although it’s always sad to see summer go, fall definitely has its good sides, too. Especially in this wine region.

TGIF

I’m seeing this on quite some blogs that I read and I thought this would be a very nice habit to start.

HIGH – Where do I start? There were so many highs this week. On Monday morning I got some lab results back from my doctor, saying I was totally healthy. This is always good to hear but I was especially relieved as the doctor and I suspected a severe, chronic disease. On Tuesday I went to Brussels to attend a small conference where I met some of my favorite colleagues again. I only left Brussels the next afternoon and went on a free city tour of Brussels on Wednesday morning. Finally, this morning I was able to attend another of the husband’s therapy sessions. Those always make me feel good. Especially the way his therapist appreciates my role in this process.

LOW – The low of the week was being in the office yesterday. After being gone for two days and with being gone all of next week, I just didn’t have enough time to finish everything I wanted to get done. So that day was just really, really hectic.

BOOK – The Dark Road by Ma Jian. I’m half way through and think it’s a great book about a women’s struggle with China’s one-child policy.

WORKOUTS – This week was very busy but I managed to squeeze in a short bike round on Sunday morning and a short run tonight.

MONEY – The best money I spent this week was on a chubby, clumsy looking pinguin figure (that is actually a pencil sharpener) for the husband. He loved it.

WEEKEND PLANS – Walking through vineyards, breakfast at a super cute new little restaurant that we heard good things about, lazy mornings, reading, and packing for the next trip.

How was your week? I hope you all had a great week as well.

My birthday

My birthday last weekend was FUN! SO MUCH FUN! I shed some tears when my family called, about the unusualness of you not being able to celebrate with me. That was hard. But I could distract myself well with getting ready for my little weekend trip and with baking.

Later I visited you at the clinic. It was a sunny and warm day and we had some birthday cake in the clinic garden. I didn’t have too much time, late afternoon I left by train to visit my dear friend Steph. She already invited some more friends and we had champagne, coffee and more cake. Later that night we went to a small soul/pop concert.

We ended the night with cocktails before we headed back to my friend’s place.

The next day started late with a delicious pancake breakfast. It was a georgous day again and we went to the park, which is part of a botanical garden and a little zoo. We relaxed and whatched the storks and kids chasing the storks.

We had more plans for Sunday night, an event with young artists on stage. Unfortunately, we got there too late and the tickets were sold out. So, this night turned out to be another fun cocktail night. I really didn’t mind this alternative.

I really enjoyed visiting my friend and doing such fun things. It truly felt like a mini vacation. During the week that followed I was able to feel calm and relaxed, I already forgot how that feels.

I know you’ve had a rough weekend yourself. The memories of your suicide attempt haunted you. And I know how guilty you feel about it. I wish I could take that load from you. Or at least some of it. It feels very good then, when you tell me how glad you were I had such a fun weekend. It’s important to get away sometimes and I’m glad you know this, too.

Weekend Recap

This weekend was both fun and hard. Again. It’s as if, after my 3 weeks of vacation, I have to relearn how to relax after a full week of work. And very much like last weekend, Saturday was a struggle and Sunday I finally managed to relax a little bit.

That the neighbors woke up me up with loud techno music before 8 am on Saturday morning didn’t really help me relax. Normally, I love to sleep long and then read in bed and just have a really slow morning. I had to leave the bed, however, rather abruptly once it started vibrating from the beats downstairs. (Needless to say I complained to them later that day.) After breakfast I cleaned the house and waited for the husband to come home. We spent the afternoon together but I was feeling quite agitated. Only when we left for a walk and dinner at a very nice restaurant by the river my mood improved a lot.

On Sunday morning the husband and I went for a run. It was the very first time that we ran together and it was fun! It was cold but the sun was shining and the view of the river was just wonderful! After breakfast we just spent the rest of the day reading. It felt good!

But I still had a hard time to relax. And I had stomach cramps that wouldn’t go away. Then, tonight, we may have found the reason for that. It’s quite obvious, if you think about it: We know the husband will leave for his therapy in another city soon. We just don’t know when. It might be this uncertainty that leaves me so nervous. Although I don’t like the thought of him being gone, it will be good to start this new step in his therapy, to have some more certainty about what awaits him there and to be another step closer to being together again.

On feeling better

It’s amazing what just one weekend can do!

During the last weeks I was extremely stressed out and increasingly nervous. It was a hard year. At the end of it I was completely exhausted. I couldn’t even finish with work (well, when is that ever done?) because my doctor sent me home early to rest. Once this month started all I wanted to do is finally fall. Fall to not feel the heavy burden that this year brought upon me. I wanted to fall and have someone else carry the load. Fall and feel a relieve. Fall and not care what happens next.

Then came the weekend. Last weekend. It started with a fun girls’ night out. Christmas market, hot wine, and good talks over an extremely tasty dinner. I came home late feeling exhausted and happy. On Saturday morning you came home, we ventured out right away to buy our Christmas tree and then spent a cosy afternoon at home decorating it. You felt happy and hopeful, for the first time in a long time. I felt calm and blessed for these happy moments and a restful weekend.

I’m happy and in Christmas spirit.

Things I love

I love to wake up early on a Sunday morning (or Saturday), read for a while, listen to the constant flow of traffic outside, enjoy the silence of our appartment. And then. Fall asleep again. Oh weekends. With plenty of time and no plans coming across my way.