My first workweek of the year is over. It was actually only half a week. Epiphany is a holiday where I work.
I ended my first workday on Wednesday with friends at our favorite bar. We had a tasty dinner, together with the husband, and it was good to catch up with everyone.
Thursday night was quiet. Nicely quiet. I called the husband at the clinic, took a bubble bath, watched some documentaries and went to bed super early. I felt very rested when I woke up this morning.
Today, I treated myself for a, workwise, very good start into the year with take-out Chinese food and a glass of wine. You cannot treat yourself often enough, right?
What leaves me a bit worried after week 1 is that I still feel quite stressed out. One would think that three and a half weeks off and a total of four weeks away from the office left me recharged and refreshed. I ended last year feeling tired, agitated, and nervous. I even had to stay at home for a week in the beginning of December. The last year was just too much, I guess. During the long vacation I felt better very quickly. However, coming closer to the first day at work made me feel nervous again. It’s not that I don’t like my job. I actually love it! LOVE IT! If you asked me what I do, I’d fill three pages with it. About a fascinating and complex study, about the topics that we research, what struggles we face and how rewarding it is when we overcome these struggles, about great people I frequently get to meet and how fruitful the discussions are that I have with them.
What I absolutely dislike, however, is its pace. This pace makes it hard to stick to one task at a time. Even thinking about it makes my stomach turn. Before the husband got sick I was able to manage it. But I knew I was on the edge. Once he got sick it became harder and harder for me to cope. Especially with all those business trips.
And then there was Paris…
Something that makes all these problems seem small. It was only tonight when I realized the extent of the terror! I heard about the attacks of course on the radio in the mornings and I read headlines in the newspaper. I didn’t get around to really read more than the headlines, though. Today there where flags at half-mast and news specials about the happenings of January 7th and today. My heart goes out to the families of the victims. And I pray that freedom of speech stays unharmed.
themiddleofthestreet 
I feel so awful about Paris, too. We have TVs everywhere at work so I saw the headlines coming across and heard some of the news coverage and it’s just so sad and awful. I imagine that everyone in that city feels terrorized and afraid to go about their normal lives – which is just awful. And I feel so sad for all the victims. š¦
I hope that you figure out a way to manage the pace of your work life… The pace of mine has not been too bad but the environment is not always a healthy one for me as there are people on my team that I struggle with and are kind of passive aggressive with some of their behaviors. I don’t feel like I can trust many people and I don’t feel much job security so it just wears on me. Like you, I feel great when I get a break from there, but then as soon as I go back, I have a sense of dread about it… š¦ I used to love my job but now I don’t at all and it’s hard to feel that way. I hope you are having a peaceful, relaxing weekend. Definitely be kind to yourself and find ways to seek comfort on the weekends to make up for the harried pace of life during the week…
Oh no! I hate passive aggressiveness. And you can’t really get away from it at work. It’s sad to hear that you didn’t find your dream job when you moved back home! I was so happy for you when I read that you found a job there so fast.
We have a friend that shows some passive-aggressive behavior and I’m thinking about approaching her and telling her how it makes other people feel. But it’s hard to find the right way to do it without offending her.
Thankfully, the atmosphere at my work is great. We stick together š
It sounds like your bucket is full and so when you add any drop of anything into it, good or bad, it runs over. For very different reasons I can relate. I think it is going to take you some time for you to come to terms with the changes in your life. The thing about your situation is that you are living in limbo to some extent, which can’t be easy. I also wonder about the day to day things that are no longer normal for you. For example, going home to an empty home with too much time to think, waiting to see what each day brings with your partner, deciding what your ‘story’ is when you meet new people (this one is difficult because it becomes a question of privacy not hiding your situation), and generally trying to operate in a temporary manner, where you feel like the ground is like shifting sand beneath your feet. I am sure that your friends around you are understanding, but I am also sure that sometimes you feel as though you are very much alone. I hope that you have someone professional to talk to. I think that often when a trauma happens the people who are the carers are neglected, or neglect their own needs. This time of the year is also the worst time of the year because this is where you plan what you want from your year, and I think you are despairing that you cannot make plans. I know how hard that can be-it’s not like you desperately want to plan anything, but it’s about having control over your future. I have probably not helped you with what I have written, but I do understand I think what each day must be like for you. If it helps, I think you sound like a strong woman, and I think that the fact that you can write about your hopes and fears will help for you to sort out your thoughts and start emptying that bucket a little bit at a time.
Oh my! It is as if you can look right into my brain and see what’s going on in there. Everything you write is so true! It’s true that we have very supportive friends. But when I get home after a fun night out, I still have to face the coming home to an empty appartment and the sadness and unusualness of it. And I often really don’t know what to tell new people that I meet about my husband. I’m usually very open about it to friends. But with strangers I just don’t want the depression to be the first thing they know about him. It shouldn’t be what defines him. It’s funny that you mention the “shifting ground”. When I was sick last year, I felt very dizzy whenever I left the house. As if my body was telling me to take a break after I kept going for too long.
Please don’t think what you wrote is not helpful. I felt a huge relieve when I was reading your comment and knowing that someone understands exactly how I feel! I don’t have any professional to talk to. I thought about that a while ago and your comment encourages me to actually consider it.
Thank you so much for your helpful words! You wrote that you can relate for different reasons. I hope you are (and will be) ok! Please take care!