The battle is lost. Not yours, but mine. My loss is the foundation of your continious fight. Sometimes I can understand what happened yesterday when you told me you want to go on by yourself from now on. Most times, I don’t understand. You are still here. You are still my best friend. A friend like I never had before. And even after our break-up we feel close, we support each other. But I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we will separate, divorce, live in different countries, on different continents.
Looking back at our nine years as a couple some incidents and patterns can explain your decision that you finalized this week. I tried to hear your opinions, tried to make decisions with you and not for you. It was difficult, you were insecure. But your great talent of covering up not only your depression also covered your insecurities. I never really knew the reason why I was the one making decisions for us while I was wishing for an equal partner. Your insecurities in relationships made you decide to go on from here by yourself. It’s the path you have chosen for yourself and I have to accept it.
Mistakes were made on both sides. And the depression brought out the best and the worse of us. Nobody is to blame for this, except this malicious illness of yours. I will tell myself that at least I could help a wonderful person and friend to go through clinic life and help recover from depression. All these therapies helped you find your way. For the first time you can make decisions for yourself without the thoughts of suicide in the back of your mind. I wish you all the best for the path you are going to take and I’m so deeply sad that my part in your life will not be the same anymore.
I’m packing boxes, separating your stuff from mine. Next week I will start a new life, in a new city, with a new job. It’s a life that was supposed to be ours. Now it will only be mine. We have one more week together and I have no idea how life on the other side of this week will look like. I’m on the floor crying, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. Right now I cannot imagine having a restful day ever again. But experience tells us that it will be possible again, at some point.
themiddleofthestreet 
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry to read this. I have been wondering how you are doing so thank you for checking in. I know that you are going through an incredibly challenging time, but just know that you are always stronger than you think you are. You will get through this and it will be so hard, but it will become less raw with time. I will be thinking of you! I am sending lots of love and compassion from Minnesota.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. You will have put so much of yourself into this relationship, only to find yourself in a place that probably seems unfathomable given the sacrifices you have made, and the immense amount of emotion that you have expended. I think it’s going to take you some time to get over this but I think you should take heart that you aren’t the same person that headed into your journey 9 years ago. You can’t not be wiser after what you’ve experienced. Living without the worry of taking care of a fellow human being is going to be a big thing for you. I hope you allow yourself to feel the emotion of relief amongst all of the other emotions that must be consuming you at the moment. Relief would be a natural emotion given the burden of worry that you have dealt with day in and day out for such a long time. I imagine that you are so used to the worry that it may be hard to let go of it. Baby steps. So, keep writing! Please! It would be lovely to hear how you’re getting along as you head down your new path. Even if it’s just a paragraph here and there. I know that you won’t be accepting your new reality, not completely anyway, but you need some joy in your life, and a new beginning could be just that. Take good care.
Thank you for your comments, Lisa and Erika! It’s always great to hear from you two. Your words are so very true! I do realize that I can be strong and get through this. I have the greatest friends and family that support me in so many ways, too. Each one of them in their own way and I’m so thankful for having such wonderful people in my life. And even though it’s hard to get used to, I also sense the relief from not having to worry about my depressive husband anymore. And it will be good for him to take care of himself, too.
And thank you for encouraging me to keep writing here. I know I’m not a good blogger as I check in too little. But whenever I do, it helps me to write down everything and to read such encouraging comments in return.
You are incredibly strong and have shown your strength through love. Shower yourself with that love, you will definitely overcome this. Heartbreak is painful, but finding ourselves is beautiful. I wish you all the best on this journey š you deserve happiness and peace of mind.
Thank you, Sarah, for your beautiful comment! It’s hard to believe that I can do this. But I look forward to being on the other end of this journey š