On guilt

I wanted to write about this a long time ago. But it was difficult to even start this post.

It’s about who is guilty of my husband’s depression. I’m not sure if that is even a relevant question or not. You can also say that this is how it is and we’ll have to deal with it. But somehow it matters for me. Partly because I’m always a fan of rather talking things out than having it still floating somewhere, unspoken of. And partly because it makes me terribly angry that the people that are responsible seem to care so little about my husband although they should be the ones to care most.

It was very clear early on that my husband’s parents play a major role in his depression. When I first learned about his depression it was through a story about an unreasonable punishment by his parents for a, in my eyes, minor mistake. For something that kids just do because they are kids. I don’t want to go further into details. There are stories about high expectations and lot’s of taboos. Just as his hospital stay is one of the things that remain secret with only the closest family members knowing about it.

I’m not a parent and I can very well imagine what insecurities are connected with it. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be making mistakes when I might raise my children one day because, let’s be honest, who could be that perfect? But I still believe that maintaining the family’s image rather than caring for the feelings and needs of your child is a different league. On top of that it seems as if they are not even interested in his therapy. But maybe I’m doing them wrong. Maybe occasional phone calls and post cards is all they can do for him right now. But it leaves me as one of the very few that is staying by his side, dealing with his illness.

My husband claims that he sees me and his sister and brother as his family. And that his parents don’t matter too much. But I can tell that his anger towards his parents is still inside him.

And it affects me, too. I feel betrayed of a happy marriage. We were only married for about half a year when my husband’s depression got so bad that he had to go to the hospital. And he has been there ever since. We also wanted to plan to have children together. Now, I’m not even sure whether we will ever have children. What if we are too old when my husband finally feels healthy and ready for it? I hear from others our age, family and friends, who move on, who build houses, have children, travel. And it makes me so jealous that we cannot have any of it right now. Because our life is on hold for one and a half years now with no end in sight. Because two people maintained their family’s image rather than dealing with their child’s needs.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to feel like this. There were times when I just wanted to confront them with all this. But I decided against it because the last thing I want is getting between my husband and his family. His family is still very important for him and in the end he has to find his own way to deal with it. And he will, once he is ready for it. Today, I had a very good talk with my friend who went through very similar difficulties with her parents. She suggested that I just write it down whenever I feel angry about his parents. This will be a relieve for myself without hurting anyone’s feeling or getting in the way of my husband’s recovery. I think it’s such a great suggestion and today’s post is a very good start. I’m so thankful that I have friends like her in my life who make talking about my husband’s illness so easy and offer so much help.

Happy Birthday

Today is your birthday. I visited you at the clinic, brought you flowers and gifts from me and my parents. You really liked the gifts and my visit but it was hard for me to celebrate your birthday at the clinic. One and a half years and you are still in there. When does this nightmare ever stop?

You were very close to coming back home again. Lately, you were home on weekends and I felt you are doing fine. When you are able to leave the clinic it is so much easier for me. I can just do my usual errands without scheduling my trips to the clinic. And it’s great to have you home. A little bit of normality.

However, your condition got worse and now you are not allowed to leave your station and you have to check the nurses’ office every hour. You call it suicide watch.

I’m totally lost in what to think about it. In a way you made great progress in opening up to the doctors before you were in actual danger. I’m so glad that you did because the doctors wanted to send you home and we both got more and more worried about you. But at the same time I cannot understand how you are still so badly in danger. On top of that, I thought I learned from your last attempt. I thought I can read the signs. Last week taught me that I cannot. I was relieved to hear that you can stay at the clinic longer, I didn’t know that you have to be on suicide watch.

I sometimes worry whether you will ever be ok again. I know you want to feel better again. You work so hard. And we have so many plans. And there is progress. I can tell that there is. But then again, these steps are so tiny. And then I hear stories of depressed patients for whom no therapy worked out. Like this case in Belgium that everyone is discussing right now.

Tonight I worried so much about you that I called you again and we talked a little. It felt very good. You explained more about how you are feeling right now. And that you told exactly that to the doctors last week. I hope they can work with you on it.

Two bosses – worlds apart

I was reading “Leading the Life you Want” by Stewart Friedman about two weeks ago. It’s a great book! Although I love my job and I can see how I am gaining experience and moving on, I sometimes wonder where this job leads me. Often I’m afraid that I’ll get stuck in a place that I don’t want to be in. This book was an eye-opener for me as I learned that there are many ways to apply your skills for a good cause.

Anyways, I wanted to tell a different story:

In the book I read how Tom Tierney, later the founder of Bridgespan, was approached by one of his employees. This employee wanted to quit his job because he couldn’t combine his frequent business trips with taking care of his young children. Tom Tirney’s reply was that it’d be stupid to quit. They should rather try to solve this problem by making sure most of the employee’s business will be local.

I approached my boss a few weeks ago, requesting a regular home office day. I have quite a long commute and often this makes it difficult for me to keep up with work, meet my husband after work, and do all the household chores that are currently left to me alone. I told my boss that my husband is very sick and in the hospital and that this is an exceptional situation. Never before had my commute been an issue. Sometimes I even leave the house before 5 am to make sure I’ll be on time for meetings that are super important. However, my boss was totally repellent and found arguments that violate all values that our institute is trying to promote. One of her arguments was that I could as well move closer to work. I was upset for days, even weeks. I still am. I wonder whether she has any idea about how demotivating this is and how this affects my productivity.

We did agree that I can take regular home office days, though, just not for as long as I requested, which is fine by me. I’ll just request more days at home if the situation hasn’t changed until then. And I can already feel how well the home office works for me. However, I still get angry about the arguments she used and how little empathy she had for an employee whose close relative is terribly sick.

We’re still struggling but we are ok

Sadly, I neglected my blog again for so long. Sometimes I feel as if my life is too fast for me to keep up. My trip to Philadelphia and Princeton was very good for me. But I realized today that this was already a month ago. I hope to write about it here soon. Right now I am planning my next business trip to Norway in one and a half weeks.

But most importantly, you are making great progress. Huge steps! It’s amazing to see you opening up to me and the people around you. A while ago you even started a blog. Your blog is very honest and it scares me at times. I’m still so inexperienced and I never know whether I should worry about you when you write about your suicidal thoughts or whether it is a good that you are able to talk about it. For the longest time all this only happened deep inside you.

Yesterday, you surprised me when you told me you plan to confront your parents who so far weren’t exactly what you can call a big help for your therapy. And this is the nice way of saying it. You talked to your brother and sister about it and they are a great support.

It seems like you still have a long way to go, but you are walking much faster than you did some months ago. You might have needed your time to open up to therapy and you might still need more time to work on some issues. But the changes are tremedous and it makes me hopeful.

On suicide, part II

Around 10.000 people commit suicide in Germany every year. That is roughly 30 each day. 30 EACH DAY! And every suicide leaves a family and friends behind that grieve. They probably cannot understand why their loved one had to go so soon and they are grief-stricken by the circumstances of his or her death.

The number of suicide attempts are assumed to occur 10 to 15 times as often. The actual number is unknown because not all suicide attempts are identified as such by helpers, relatives, and therapists. Just like your suicide attempts before December 2013 never became a topic between us. But every suicide attempt, once revealed, is shocking, for the patient and his or her relatives.

I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I am that you survived each attempt so far. But still I often ask myself “What if…?” Why did you even had to get so close to actually trying to die? I immediately start to cry whenever I think of how different my life would be today, had you actually succeded. I would be a widow, of only 32 years. I don’t even have the slightest idea of how to deal with funeral homes, authorities, and such. Your suicide would have taught me. I’m not sure if or how I could manage to go back to my life as it was. Would I have a break-down? How long would it take me to laugh again? What would I do with your side of the bed? Your clothes? Would I ever be able to watch a TV show, a movie or listen to music that we both like without starting to cry? Would I be able to go to the same bars or restaurants or streetfests where we used to go together? Would I ever dare to be happy again? Would I ever have a repationship again, when the past eight years with you were so happy that I could not imagine any reason for them to ever be over? And would there be a note explaining your decision to die? Would I understand your decision? Would it be clear to me that it was suicide or would there be the possibility that it was an accident? What cause of death would be easier to handle by those you left behind?

Of course I don’t know how it feels to lose a beloved husband, a person that I trust and who I’m so used to have around, who makes my days so much brighter. But these questions do make me grieve, although you are still alive. I can usually pull myself out of it. Most times I can tell myself that we are almost over this difficult part of your illness, that you are safe. But on some days, like today, all those questions haunt me.

Wordless Wednesday

My birthday

My birthday last weekend was FUN! SO MUCH FUN! I shed some tears when my family called, about the unusualness of you not being able to celebrate with me. That was hard. But I could distract myself well with getting ready for my little weekend trip and with baking.

Later I visited you at the clinic. It was a sunny and warm day and we had some birthday cake in the clinic garden. I didn’t have too much time, late afternoon I left by train to visit my dear friend Steph. She already invited some more friends and we had champagne, coffee and more cake. Later that night we went to a small soul/pop concert.

We ended the night with cocktails before we headed back to my friend’s place.

The next day started late with a delicious pancake breakfast. It was a georgous day again and we went to the park, which is part of a botanical garden and a little zoo. We relaxed and whatched the storks and kids chasing the storks.

We had more plans for Sunday night, an event with young artists on stage. Unfortunately, we got there too late and the tickets were sold out. So, this night turned out to be another fun cocktail night. I really didn’t mind this alternative.

I really enjoyed visiting my friend and doing such fun things. It truly felt like a mini vacation. During the week that followed I was able to feel calm and relaxed, I already forgot how that feels.

I know you’ve had a rough weekend yourself. The memories of your suicide attempt haunted you. And I know how guilty you feel about it. I wish I could take that load from you. Or at least some of it. It feels very good then, when you tell me how glad you were I had such a fun weekend. It’s important to get away sometimes and I’m glad you know this, too.

Berlin

Next week I will visit Berlin. With so many business trips I have developed the routine of spending some time in the cities I visit. It’s not always easy to take some time off to explore but it’s really worth it and makes the whole thing so much more bearable. Especially to Berlin I have been too many times without having a chance to actually spend some time there. As a result I always feel disoriented when I’m there. I only have the printouts of bus schedules and google maps to get around but I never know which part of the city I’m in. This time will be different. I will have a whole afternoon to hang out in the capital. I want to see this:

http://www.asisi.de/en/panoramas/the-wall/bildergalerie.html

And this:

http://west.berlin/exhibition

Last week I was in Frankfurt. This is really just next door, but still I managed to get to know a very cute part of the city that I haven’t been to before. A great motivation to visit Frankfurt more often.

My next big trip will bring me to Philadelphia and Princeton. Oh, olde Philly. Has it really been already ten years that I called you home? This is a trip I’m really looking forward to!

Ice cream!

The nicest thing happened today! My friend, who moved away last year, called me. She was in town and wanted to have ice cream with me. What a great idea! It was warm and sunny today and all the cafés, squares, and playgrounds were crowded with people in shirts and sunglasses. It was nice to get out. For a week now the only person I met was the husband when I visited the clinic. I really didn’t feel like seeing anyone else.

She also invited me to visit her next weekend. That’s my birthday and I’m happy to not be alone that day. She is the best!

Bike ride

Last weekend I didn’t think I could do this. But I did and went for a bike ride yesterday.

I had bought this hiking guide a few months ago. And this week, our first week in over year that we’d have off together, we wanted to try one of the suggested trails. We really looked forward to this week. When I had to bring you back to the clinic last Friday, before our week off had even begun, I was in a big hole. I slept during the days and cried at night, barely able to leave the house to get some groceries.

I’m getting better each day and I managed to get my bike ready yesterday, pick one of the hiking trails and hit the road. I took the local train to a small and very cute village. I see its church from the train I take to work each morning. It was nice to explore the area that I usually just speed though.

I biked through the village and found the trail through the vineyards. It was a beautiful spring day, but the vine was still bare and it’s hard to imagine that in a few weeks all those hills will be bright green.

I passed two more villages and then made my way down to the Rhine river. I never got there, there was some heavy construction going on. But I passed a bird protection area and had to stop to just enjoy this beautiful landscape.

Taking the local train to get outside the city was a great choice. It takes too long to get out of the city by bike. This time I really enjoyed that I could go for hours without seeing any freeway, major road, or traffic light. I will definitely come back and try more trails. And I look forward to going on a hike with you as soon as you feel better.