Something has changed

I’m feeling better since the weekend. Nowadays, when I leave the office in the evening, I don’t feel like falling into this deep hole that I fell into day after day. Of course, I do cry here and there. And I don’t feel so bad about that. It’s a healthy thing to do. But my outlook is better now.

It changed after I visited a therapist on Friday night. Friday was a bad day for me. I cried ALL THE TIME. That was the case also when I was sitting in front of the therapist. But he is good! I left and felt relieved and felt that something can be done. I will definitely go back in two weeks. On my way home, when crossing the river, I decided to get off the tram and sit by the river for a while. The weather was wonderful and people just sat there, drank wine and enjoyed the sunset behind the city’s magnificent cathedral.

~ Evening sun, skyline, and the mighty Rhine river ~

It helps to be in this beatiful city. The people here love their city and the city wants to be loved. The picture above is proof for it. And not only that. Everyone I have met here so far is just so friendly and warmhearted. I really enjoy wandering through the city and talking to random people in the stores.

Then Saturday was just a great day for me and I came home exhausted and happy. That continued on Sunday. I had a very slow morning and then took my bike on a tour to a beautiful park and arboretum. I found a place to quietly read the weekend newspaper and then walked through the park a little bit. I had to fight back some tears. We both loved botanical gardens and rhododendrons which they had plenty of. But still, it was a wonderful day that I truly enjoyed!

Today’s achievements

Everybody tells me to take baby steps. I try. This is what I did today:

• I went for a run this morning, the first one since I got here. Mainly I was too busy trying to distract myself and I’m always afraid of thinking too much about the break-up when I’m by myself. I did shed some tears during the run. But I also enjoyed the beautiful nature around here.
• I left the house without my wedding ring for the first time. Not sure whether I will leave it at home every day from now on. Probably not. But it’s a start.
• I signed the contract for a smaller apartment. The current one is too large and expensive for just myself and far away from the city. (I thought that this was what you needed.) It means I have to move again very soon. But it will be good to be in a place that I found for just myself.
• I joined a city tour with Internations. It was fun to meet new people. Afterwards some of us went to have Libanese dinner. We had a great time!

Pretty big! It was a very good day and now I’m home and damn tired. It feels good!

The new life

This is week two of my new life. It’s been incredibly difficult to come this far. During the week after our break-up I packed almost everything in our apartment and moved away as planned. Except it wasn’t planned to leave without you. A whole new life started for me, but I’m still haunted by the last.

Sometimes I understand your decision. Most times I don’t. And sometimes I’m angry. At you for taking only a few days to end a relationship of nine years and that went through the most difficult time for the last 2 1/2 years. At your depression for making our marriage a series of terribly bad days and not letting us experience the good.

I’m still crying a lot. Not as much as in the beginning. But enough to make my head hurt every night. Sometimes it’s even hard to breathe. Sometimes I want to scream as loud as I can as if that would bring you back to me.

I’m scared of every new step that I’m taking because I’m taking it without you. And each step will take me further away from you.

I’m slowly getting used to not hearing from you. We texted and talked every day for the last nine years. And now we are not. I don’t know what you are doing and how you are doing. This is by far not easy but I’m getting there.

And sometimes I’m also hopeful. It never lasts long. I distract myself, don’t think of you for a while and do something fun. But as soon as I return to this large empty house I fall back into this deep deep hole of loneliness. Still, I can sometimes see where I want to go. So that one day I can be happy again. I will not have to worry about you anymore, about suicide attempts of yours. Some friends even say this may have been the reason why you broke up. I can find out what I need and what is good for me. Things that I mostly gave up during the last years. And maybe, one day, I will meet someone I can love again and who I can lean on when I feel weak.

The battle is lost

The battle is lost. Not yours, but mine. My loss is the foundation of your continious fight. Sometimes I can understand what happened yesterday when you told me you want to go on by yourself from now on. Most times, I don’t understand. You are still here. You are still my best friend. A friend like I never had before. And even after our break-up we feel close, we support each other. But I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that we will separate, divorce, live in different countries, on different continents.

Looking back at our nine years as a couple some incidents and patterns can explain your decision that you finalized this week. I tried to hear your opinions, tried to make decisions with you and not for you. It was difficult, you were insecure. But your great talent of covering up not only your depression also covered your insecurities. I never really knew the reason why I was the one making decisions for us while I was wishing for an equal partner. Your insecurities in relationships made you decide to go on from here by yourself. It’s the path you have chosen for yourself and I have to accept it.

Mistakes were made on both sides. And the depression brought out the best and the worse of us. Nobody is to blame for this, except this malicious illness of yours. I will tell myself that at least I could help a wonderful person and friend to go through clinic life and help recover from depression. All these therapies helped you find your way. For the first time you can make decisions for yourself without the thoughts of suicide in the back of your mind. I wish you all the best for the path you are going to take and I’m so deeply sad that my part in your life will not be the same anymore.

I’m packing boxes, separating your stuff from mine. Next week I will start a new life, in a new city, with a new job. It’s a life that was supposed to be ours. Now it will only be mine. We have one more week together and I have no idea how life on the other side of this week will look like. I’m on the floor crying, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep. Right now I cannot imagine having a restful day ever again. But experience tells us that it will be possible again, at some point.

TGIF

This week was very special. I was on a week long and very productive business trip. I feel exhausted now but it sure was a success!

HIGH – Getting to know and spending this week with wonderful people in a relaxed atmosphere, with lots of time to think about and discuss new research ideas. On top of that came spending this week in a picturesque city and enjoying beautiful sunny fall weather.

LOW – My low of the week was being away from the husband. I still get nervous whenever I’m away. We talked every day on the phone. But one day I couldn’t reach him right away and I was worried sick.

BOOK – Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh. It’s a humorous approach to depression. Sadly, I’m not very far into the book yet. I just don’t read much when I travel.

WORKOUTS – Not much because of my busy schedule. I went on a quick bike trip on Sunday and plan to go on a long bike ride tomorrow.

MONEY – I didn’t spend much money at all this week. The best money I spent was probably on very tasty pizza and good wine last night during good conversations.

WEEKEND PLANS – A bike ride, coffee and cake with a friend, and we’ll see from there.

How was your week?

Fall is ok!

Today was wonderful. We took the city bus to the vineyards, walked around a little bit and then went to a restaurant with a beautiful view to drink Federweißer and eat Zwiebelkuchen.

The trip on the bus was a bit difficult for you. It was hot, shaky, and crowded. But after walking a few steps through the vineyard and enjoying the fresh air and the view over the city and the Rhine river you felt better.

We really enjoyed this little trip. The fresh air, the young wine and good food. Although it’s always sad to see summer go, fall definitely has its good sides, too. Especially in this wine region.

TGIF

I’m seeing this on quite some blogs that I read and I thought this would be a very nice habit to start.

HIGH – Where do I start? There were so many highs this week. On Monday morning I got some lab results back from my doctor, saying I was totally healthy. This is always good to hear but I was especially relieved as the doctor and I suspected a severe, chronic disease. On Tuesday I went to Brussels to attend a small conference where I met some of my favorite colleagues again. I only left Brussels the next afternoon and went on a free city tour of Brussels on Wednesday morning. Finally, this morning I was able to attend another of the husband’s therapy sessions. Those always make me feel good. Especially the way his therapist appreciates my role in this process.

LOW – The low of the week was being in the office yesterday. After being gone for two days and with being gone all of next week, I just didn’t have enough time to finish everything I wanted to get done. So that day was just really, really hectic.

BOOK – The Dark Road by Ma Jian. I’m half way through and think it’s a great book about a women’s struggle with China’s one-child policy.

WORKOUTS – This week was very busy but I managed to squeeze in a short bike round on Sunday morning and a short run tonight.

MONEY – The best money I spent this week was on a chubby, clumsy looking pinguin figure (that is actually a pencil sharpener) for the husband. He loved it.

WEEKEND PLANS – Walking through vineyards, breakfast at a super cute new little restaurant that we heard good things about, lazy mornings, reading, and packing for the next trip.

How was your week? I hope you all had a great week as well.

Wordless Wednesday

Perfect Bliss

When I ride my bike next to you, on the way home from the station, to a restaurant where we are meeting friends or just doing errands, that is bliss right now. We weren’t able to do this for such a long time. Now we can and I’m enjoying every minute of being with you.

You started day clinic about a month ago. And you are doing wonderfully. You have therapies at the clinic during the day but you are home in the afternoons and over night. There are still some struggles, on both sides. And more so on yours than on mine. But we can do this and our life is slowly returning to normality again. And when I ride my bike next to you it feels as if you were never gone.

Bright like a diamond

Today I had the chance to meet your therapist and take part in your therapy. It was such a great meeting! I learned so much!

After so many treatments didn’t work out for you, they assigned you to a therapist who doesn’t follow the book. He looked at what lies underneath your depression. And today he explained to me (and us) how his approach works and how I can support you.

We also addressed some issues between us. Such as problems talking about feelings.

Then you worked on a time schedule for your next steps. You might be coming home soon. It will be scary and you will need a lot of support. But it is an important step for you. You need to take this step to move on and out of the clinic.

I had all kinds of worries and questions for your therapist that were related to my worries. They were all blown away as soon as we started talking. And tonight I feel a big relief. We haven’t reached the finish line yet, but we are close.

In the end your therapist and his student (who also joined the session) did something really neat. They let us listen to their de-briefing in which they talked about us as a couple. I’m not sure how much of it was for therapeutic reasons, but they mentioned how close we were as a couple, how gentle. At one point the therapist called me “a diamond“. It felt so good to hear that, after spending the last days and weeks contemplating about how I feel so alone in supporting you with our families being so far away. And he wondered how we’d be doing once your depression has passed. How much energy we’ll have at our hands, energy that right now is going into fighting your depression. And this thought just made me so very hopeful! It made me see light at the end of the tunnel. FINALLY! I even forgot how that feels!

So, today I will spend the rest of the evening thinking of our future together. A bright future. I will be hopeful for the first time in a very long while. And my smile will just be bright, like a diamond. Maybe even brighter ☺